Long time

Being busy and going through a roller coaster with depression has made me take a break from the blog.

I am still not masturbating which has made me doubt my real intentions with it. It feels like I'm starting to doubt my attitude to sex just because I am horny which defeats the whole purpose. I'm working hard on accomplishing things in my life and feeling good about myself but at the moment I can't. This blog is going to be down for a few more days because I need a break from all of it. 

1 month mark

I started this journey a  month ago. When I started it I wasn't in a good place at all. I was a broken person. My life wasn't going anyway I wanted and I literally felt like I couldn't achieve anything. Not masturbating didn't make me achieve anything but my change in attitude did. I learnt that I have to find other ways to feel happy and that short term happiness is not something I need to aim for in life and I need to work hard.
My life turned around a couple of weeks ago. There was nothing specific that made me become happy but I think that me proving to myself that I could achieve things made me realise that I can do without some kind of happiness in my life. All happiness is not good happiness.
I sometimes miss masturbation. It's not because I'm horny or craving it but it is because I miss the pleasure but I can do without. Of course I feel the urge sometimes but it is becoming less and less. In fact, I don't want sex anymore the way I did. I want to wait until it is with someone I care about. A lot.
There are times when I still think I'm in this for the wrong reasons but in the end I'm planning on sticking with it. What's the point starting with a bad habit?
I know my posts are being less frequent but I am quite busy at the moment but I'll keep you updated on my journey.

When NoFap is hard because you're happy

I've had a bit of a turn in my life. Nothing special happened but I have been in a good mood lately and it feels like it is here to stay. The problem with this is that it makes not masturbating difficult. Not because I want to celebrate by doing it but because I've got to the point when I think back on my previous relationship and think of it is as a good thing. My imagination seem to play back some of the times me and my ex were intimate and instead of me wishing I was with him I appreciate the experiences we shared. However, it makes me horny, real horny.
But it's getting easier and easier to control these thoughts and my fingers are still under control. I think that most people don't experience a turning point the way I have done it. I didn't expect to do it but I have and it feels really good. I'm pretty sure I will go through something difficult again that might bring me down again but I know that if I keep with my promises there will be a turn around again and I can be happy without any kind of sexual pleasure. When the day comes when I will have sex again I will hopefully enjoy it and create new memories but I can wait until that day. I don't need that kind of stimulation to be happy. I've proved that to myself now.

Better and better

It's been 20 days. I've been at home for 5 of those and life is finally making some sense. I am not as down as I've been before. I've started talking to other men and open myself to feel for them. I still think about my ex from time to time. I still wonder if sex will ever be as good as it was with him but I've decided that even if it isn't it will be with someone that loves me which will make it intimate and good because of that.
I miss having orgasms but I can keep going, I know I have it in me and it's not worth pleasuring myself and feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ready for it and maybe I'll never be but I'm saving myself for a while now. I think it's the best thing to do.

Good day

Today I've actually felt good. Not in the way that I feel that I will be better all the time but things went my way today and even the things that didn't was dealt with a lot more ease than before. Maybe I'm reaching the point where I am feeling the results. Even got a date lined up.
Not masturbating is difficult though. Even when I go to the bathroom I feel a bit stimulation. The tiniest touch makes me want more. If the date goes well maybe I'll be ready for some stimulation after a while. But I'm not getting my hopes up because I'm not sure if I'm ready to open up emotionally again. It's been a hard couple of months or a bit less but it will probably just get easier. Seems that way at least.

It's only getting harder

Getting rid of a habit should get easier every day. Or so you would think at least. I know now, after 14 days, it is not easier yet. It might be in a few weeks or months or years but at the moment I don't feel better at all.
I've removed one of my ways of relaxing, releasing dopamine. I've chosen to not have sex with anyone and probably won't until I am sure that person cares about me 100% because I've lost trust in men (no offence).
So what's going on with in my head? Let me tell you, if I knew I would feel much better but at the moment my head is a mess. No thoughts make sense to me and all I want is to have those few moments of orgasm to feel better.
But I can't. The whole reason for me starting this was so I could learn to feel good without creating some pretend feeling.
I would have given up days ago but I already feel like a failure. That's the only thing that keeps me on track, I can't seem to stay away from sweets even though I've promised to, I can't get the things done that I should to and I don't feel better but at least I can keep my fingers away. I'm basically using the lack of failing with this as a way to feel better but at the moment it's not helping.
I still have a long way to go. It's been over a month since I had an orgasm. I know my day count is 14 days but I started much earlier than that I just didn't do it on purpose. I know some women go their whole lives not having orgasms (with their partner at least) and I've only gone a month and a bit more but I'm starting to crave that kick again but that's dangerous because it means me risking doing something I will regret later.
But anyway, enough ranting. To sum up, it's hard. Very hard right now and I need all the support I can get.

When life gives you lemons...

...make lemonade.
Well there is only so much lemonade a person can drink and I don't think it's a good thing to share it.
So this might seem confusing so let me explain, I feel that my life is bad. I have no reason for living, issues that I can't seem to solve and worst of all, the only person that has ever made me feel happy hasn't spoken to me for over a month and probably will never speak to me again.
I started NoFap to learn how to unwind and get my negative thoughts out of my head by actually dealing with it instead of masturbating. So far it hasn't taught me anything. Yes, I sometimes feel stronger when I resist and I have started to exercise more which is a good thing but I still go to bed, wonder what went wrong, why can't I be happy and wishing he will show up outside my door.
The first week I had no libido at all. It even got to the point when I had to go and see a doctor because I was in pain (TMI sorry). The lack of libido made it easy, I didn't want to masturbate and I didn't miss my ex that much.
Now my libido is back and I'm struggling. It would be easy just to do it once, no one would know except for me. Maybe that's what stopping me, I don't want to disappoint myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The problem is, I haven't decided on a goal because I didn't think I would want to masturbate again but I do. The only problem is that I only want to do it when I think of my ex and that should definitely not be my source of attraction anymore.
Well life is giving me lemons at the moment, a lot of them and I still have a long way to go until I will think NoFap has helped me but at least I know that I want to keep going. Too much lemonade is not healthy for anyone but I'm not going to blame my problems on anyone else.

One woman's view on Porn

Porn. A very daunting word to say out loud. Not because the word is difficult to pronounce or because people won't understand it. No, it's daunting because it's a taboo subject in the world. We should be ashamed of watching porn but then again every second 28,258 people are viewing pornography according to this website: http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html

As a woman you shouldn't like porn because it is male dominated and sexist. That's what we're told at least. 

I can't deny that some of the porn videos are sexist against women but if you think about it, they are sending out a lot of skewed messages to men too. I mean, what normal man has a penis that size? Not only that, I wouldn't want a man with a penis that size because I am pretty sure it would hurt me. 

It doesn't show us an image of how sex actually works, it shows us what we were hoping for it to look like. Always so graceful, sexy, easy and they always manage to finish. Admit it, we've all had that moment when we feel extremely clumsy during sex or struggled to come. 

I've watched my fair share of porn. Never been a big fan but I wouldn't lie and say I haven't watched it. To be honest, there is nothing with it that makes me turn in bed hoping to get some action. I feel extremely distant from what's going on in the video and have been turned on 1000 times more by getting a message from the man I'm dating giving me clues of what he wants to do with me.

A very feminist friend of my once told me during a discussion about waxing that we are only getting rid of our bush because that is what we see porn stars do. My first reaction was: Have you ever watched a porno or are you just trusting other people's arguments. My second reaction was: No, I shave because I find it cleaner and more comfortable. If you are a feminist you should believe in our right to choose what we want to do but she was doing the complete opposite, she was telling me what I should do. I told her to go and watch some porn and make her own opinion instead of just saying it is wrong. She came back a few weeks later telling us that she found a really good website with porn for women. I don't have to tell you the website but I know for a fact that the website isn't only for women and she had just judged something before she even tried.

It's difficult to pinpoint why I don't like porn. One of the main reasons is probably because I am still that girl that only has sex with a person I am dating and to me it is something between two people to connect with each other on a different level. Then again, I've only had sex with one person but I felt a connection to him. I can't feel any connection with the people because you don't actually know anything about their personality. As strange as it sounds, I can get turned on very easily by watching a normal romcom with a sex scene but with porn I just wait for them to be done with it. 

Another reason might be that I love foreplay. I'm that kind of girl who loves the build up. Don't get me wrong, sex is great but it's because of the build up. Show me porn with a long build up and I'll probably enjoy it more but I can't relate to a 30 year old woman dressed up as a 15 year old being spanked by her so-called teacher that is probably the same age as her in real life.

Porn hasn't made me feel uncomfortable about my body. I feel uncomfortable about my body because I know it can improve. It hasn't made me think I need to shave, I shave because I want to. I definitely don't believe in multiple orgasms because of porn, I believe in it because I've experienced it. These are not reasons for why I don't watch porn. I simply choose not to watch porn because it doesn't do it for me and I don't see any reason wasting my time on being the third wheel to some kind of exaggerated, made up video trying to make us all feel like our sex life is strange when in fact it's porn that is skewed.

Porn is taboo in most situations, especially amongst women but just because I don't like porn doesn't mean there are no women that do. I have a lot of female friends that watch porn even though they would never admit it to anyone. We all have different reasons for what we do. I have mine for not watching porn but that is only one woman's view on it and can therefore only speak for me. 

When not even a good day can make it better

I had a good day. For the last 8 hours I've been surrounded by friends that have made me laugh and feel liked. I know they like me because they make an effort to keep in touch with me and make sure I am ok. It's been a good day but the truth is I'm not ok.
Lying alone in my room thinking of the mistakes I've done in life. Or maybe not, I'm thinking of everything I've done and I'm considering it as a mistake. Not only that I am on the verge to masturbate. Been wanting to do it a couple of days now just to get that good feeling again of pleasure. But I won't. I can't. If I do that I prove to everyone else that I am as much of a failure as I think I am. I didn't think it would be this difficult.
A week ago I had no intentions of masturbating. Mainly because the only thing I wanted to do was to disappear. Now I want to disappear but I also want to feel that short moment of happiness. Or should I say fake happiness.
I need to keep working on myself because the person I am at the moment is not the person I want to be at all.

Alcohol is my friend. For now.

Alcohol is not the answer, it's the question. Yes is the answer. 
For most of you this will probably make no sense at all because we are constantly told that alcohol doesn't solve any problems. That is right but for once alcohol made me realise things that I wouldn't have done sober.
Usually when under the influence of alcohol you tend to text your ex begging for forgiveness or you might even write a rude thing about how much you hate him. Both are signs that you aren't moving on and still hoping for him to come back to you. Yesterday I drank more than I have the last 6 months, not because I wanted to get really drunk but that's what you end up doing when you're playing drinking games and you are not that innocent anymore.
When doing this I discovered that I had got my libido back, probably because we were talking about sex and I thought about how it was with my ex which still makes me feel the urge but the thing that made me feel that alcohol actually was my friend was that I had no urge to text my ex. Instead I was thinking back to it with a positive view. He gave me a few happy good months, yes he gave me a few horrible weeks and sometimes some days when I miss him but I have no intentions to try to convince him to get back with me.
I felt stronger and I had the power in my hands. I don't need to get my revenge anymore. I have taken control over my feelings, my fapping and my future.
So for now, alcohol is my friend because even when I am under the influence of the worst decision maker in the world, I can still make good decisions.

The things that make it easier.

Today has been a good day. Not because life has become better or I've felt less alone but because I have found a way to feel less lonely and as obvious as it sounds the way is to surround yourself with people that care.
Sometimes when you hit that point where you think the only thing that could help you relax is masturbation you need to go out there and actually talk to people. Be more confident and actually have the courage to talk to a stranger.
Today I manage to flirt with our waiter. I didn't think I had it in me but I did. This made me feel strong, powerful and it even gave me the tiniest hope of that one day I will find a man that loves me instead of a man that breaks my heart and makes me believe that I will never have sex as good as it was with him.
I know that is ridiculous, it's not like he was a sex god but my libido is gone due to this. But today has been a good day.
Keep surrounding yourself with people you care about and that care about you. One day the feeling you have with them will take over of the feeling you have when you're alone.

Problem number 1

Only been in for 3 days and I am already struggling. Not because I have any sex drive because I have zero interest in sex at the moment. The reason for me struggling is because of a few reasons.
1) I am very depressed at the moment and everything feels wrong. When this has been the case previously I have masturbated to get a good feeling and it had helped me to unwind. Now I simply need to deal with my depression by myself.
2) I am extremely bored. I have nothing to do at the moment and therefore feel like I should stimulate myself.
3) I'm in physical pain and masturbation has helped me to distract myself from it before.

These issues were expected to come but I didn't realise it would be so soon. I don't feel horny at all. My libido is all the way down to almost minus but all I can think about is how masturbation has helped me previously.

I guess this is what makes it worth it though. I learn to find other things to do to distract myself and hopefully I will be able to find a way to deal with my depression and get myself out of this hell hole.

So where do we start.

Masturbation. A word that is taboo, especially amongst women even though we all know that is something we do. We don't talk about it with our friends because we shouldn't be sharing.
 I have been doing it for many years and as a 24 year old in today's society I am told that I should be sexually active and get to know my body. Magazines have articles about how to please yourself and kids are even taught in school that this is something natural. This might seem a bit hypocritical. We can't speak about it with our friends but we are encouraged to do it.

When doing some research on the topic of why we should masturbate this came up:

General health benefits of masturbation


Some of the general health benefits of masturbation may include that it:
relaxes your muscles
helps you to fall asleep
promotes the release of the brain’s opioid-like neurotransmitters (called endorphins), which cause feelings of physical and mental wellbeing
reduces stress
enhances self-esteem.


http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Masturbation

I have to admit that all these benefits are reasons for why I masturbated but I got to a point in my life where I realised that this feeling wears off and in the end I'm not going to feel any better. So what am I doing then? 

I'm joining the community of NoFap. I will not be masturbating or touching myself. Mainly because I have used it as a solution to get away from my problems instead of coping with them. 

Many people seem to get more energy and motivation by joining NoFap. It is a way for them to take control over their lives. I'm joining NoFap because I completely feel that sexual stimulation should be shared and not just used as a way of escapism.

So what am I going to do instead?

1) I am going to read self-help books to learn how to deal with the issues I have in my life.

2) I will aim to think positively instead of letting negative thoughts take over.

3) I will try to achieve happiness and release endorphin because of people around me instead because of sexual stimulation.

4) Find new ways to fall asleep instead of relying on masturbation.

You will get to follow my journey, learn about my issues and how I deal with them. 

Hopefully you will learn something from it and maybe you can inspire me to keep this going.