Getting rid of a habit should get easier every day. Or so you would think at least. I know now, after 14 days, it is not easier yet. It might be in a few weeks or months or years but at the moment I don't feel better at all.
I've removed one of my ways of relaxing, releasing dopamine. I've chosen to not have sex with anyone and probably won't until I am sure that person cares about me 100% because I've lost trust in men (no offence).
So what's going on with in my head? Let me tell you, if I knew I would feel much better but at the moment my head is a mess. No thoughts make sense to me and all I want is to have those few moments of orgasm to feel better.
But I can't. The whole reason for me starting this was so I could learn to feel good without creating some pretend feeling.
I would have given up days ago but I already feel like a failure. That's the only thing that keeps me on track, I can't seem to stay away from sweets even though I've promised to, I can't get the things done that I should to and I don't feel better but at least I can keep my fingers away. I'm basically using the lack of failing with this as a way to feel better but at the moment it's not helping.
I still have a long way to go. It's been over a month since I had an orgasm. I know my day count is 14 days but I started much earlier than that I just didn't do it on purpose. I know some women go their whole lives not having orgasms (with their partner at least) and I've only gone a month and a bit more but I'm starting to crave that kick again but that's dangerous because it means me risking doing something I will regret later.
But anyway, enough ranting. To sum up, it's hard. Very hard right now and I need all the support I can get.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Sunday, 1 June 2014
Friday, 30 May 2014
When life gives you lemons...
...make lemonade.
Well there is only so much lemonade a person can drink and I don't think it's a good thing to share it.
So this might seem confusing so let me explain, I feel that my life is bad. I have no reason for living, issues that I can't seem to solve and worst of all, the only person that has ever made me feel happy hasn't spoken to me for over a month and probably will never speak to me again.
I started NoFap to learn how to unwind and get my negative thoughts out of my head by actually dealing with it instead of masturbating. So far it hasn't taught me anything. Yes, I sometimes feel stronger when I resist and I have started to exercise more which is a good thing but I still go to bed, wonder what went wrong, why can't I be happy and wishing he will show up outside my door.
The first week I had no libido at all. It even got to the point when I had to go and see a doctor because I was in pain (TMI sorry). The lack of libido made it easy, I didn't want to masturbate and I didn't miss my ex that much.
Now my libido is back and I'm struggling. It would be easy just to do it once, no one would know except for me. Maybe that's what stopping me, I don't want to disappoint myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The problem is, I haven't decided on a goal because I didn't think I would want to masturbate again but I do. The only problem is that I only want to do it when I think of my ex and that should definitely not be my source of attraction anymore.
Well life is giving me lemons at the moment, a lot of them and I still have a long way to go until I will think NoFap has helped me but at least I know that I want to keep going. Too much lemonade is not healthy for anyone but I'm not going to blame my problems on anyone else.
Well there is only so much lemonade a person can drink and I don't think it's a good thing to share it.
So this might seem confusing so let me explain, I feel that my life is bad. I have no reason for living, issues that I can't seem to solve and worst of all, the only person that has ever made me feel happy hasn't spoken to me for over a month and probably will never speak to me again.
I started NoFap to learn how to unwind and get my negative thoughts out of my head by actually dealing with it instead of masturbating. So far it hasn't taught me anything. Yes, I sometimes feel stronger when I resist and I have started to exercise more which is a good thing but I still go to bed, wonder what went wrong, why can't I be happy and wishing he will show up outside my door.
The first week I had no libido at all. It even got to the point when I had to go and see a doctor because I was in pain (TMI sorry). The lack of libido made it easy, I didn't want to masturbate and I didn't miss my ex that much.
Now my libido is back and I'm struggling. It would be easy just to do it once, no one would know except for me. Maybe that's what stopping me, I don't want to disappoint myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The problem is, I haven't decided on a goal because I didn't think I would want to masturbate again but I do. The only problem is that I only want to do it when I think of my ex and that should definitely not be my source of attraction anymore.
Well life is giving me lemons at the moment, a lot of them and I still have a long way to go until I will think NoFap has helped me but at least I know that I want to keep going. Too much lemonade is not healthy for anyone but I'm not going to blame my problems on anyone else.
Wednesday, 21 May 2014
Problem number 1
Only been in for 3 days and I am already struggling. Not because I have any sex drive because I have zero interest in sex at the moment. The reason for me struggling is because of a few reasons.
1) I am very depressed at the moment and everything feels wrong. When this has been the case previously I have masturbated to get a good feeling and it had helped me to unwind. Now I simply need to deal with my depression by myself.
2) I am extremely bored. I have nothing to do at the moment and therefore feel like I should stimulate myself.
3) I'm in physical pain and masturbation has helped me to distract myself from it before.
These issues were expected to come but I didn't realise it would be so soon. I don't feel horny at all. My libido is all the way down to almost minus but all I can think about is how masturbation has helped me previously.
I guess this is what makes it worth it though. I learn to find other things to do to distract myself and hopefully I will be able to find a way to deal with my depression and get myself out of this hell hole.
1) I am very depressed at the moment and everything feels wrong. When this has been the case previously I have masturbated to get a good feeling and it had helped me to unwind. Now I simply need to deal with my depression by myself.
2) I am extremely bored. I have nothing to do at the moment and therefore feel like I should stimulate myself.
3) I'm in physical pain and masturbation has helped me to distract myself from it before.
These issues were expected to come but I didn't realise it would be so soon. I don't feel horny at all. My libido is all the way down to almost minus but all I can think about is how masturbation has helped me previously.
I guess this is what makes it worth it though. I learn to find other things to do to distract myself and hopefully I will be able to find a way to deal with my depression and get myself out of this hell hole.
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