Long time

Being busy and going through a roller coaster with depression has made me take a break from the blog.

I am still not masturbating which has made me doubt my real intentions with it. It feels like I'm starting to doubt my attitude to sex just because I am horny which defeats the whole purpose. I'm working hard on accomplishing things in my life and feeling good about myself but at the moment I can't. This blog is going to be down for a few more days because I need a break from all of it. 

1 month mark

I started this journey a  month ago. When I started it I wasn't in a good place at all. I was a broken person. My life wasn't going anyway I wanted and I literally felt like I couldn't achieve anything. Not masturbating didn't make me achieve anything but my change in attitude did. I learnt that I have to find other ways to feel happy and that short term happiness is not something I need to aim for in life and I need to work hard.
My life turned around a couple of weeks ago. There was nothing specific that made me become happy but I think that me proving to myself that I could achieve things made me realise that I can do without some kind of happiness in my life. All happiness is not good happiness.
I sometimes miss masturbation. It's not because I'm horny or craving it but it is because I miss the pleasure but I can do without. Of course I feel the urge sometimes but it is becoming less and less. In fact, I don't want sex anymore the way I did. I want to wait until it is with someone I care about. A lot.
There are times when I still think I'm in this for the wrong reasons but in the end I'm planning on sticking with it. What's the point starting with a bad habit?
I know my posts are being less frequent but I am quite busy at the moment but I'll keep you updated on my journey.

When NoFap is hard because you're happy

I've had a bit of a turn in my life. Nothing special happened but I have been in a good mood lately and it feels like it is here to stay. The problem with this is that it makes not masturbating difficult. Not because I want to celebrate by doing it but because I've got to the point when I think back on my previous relationship and think of it is as a good thing. My imagination seem to play back some of the times me and my ex were intimate and instead of me wishing I was with him I appreciate the experiences we shared. However, it makes me horny, real horny.
But it's getting easier and easier to control these thoughts and my fingers are still under control. I think that most people don't experience a turning point the way I have done it. I didn't expect to do it but I have and it feels really good. I'm pretty sure I will go through something difficult again that might bring me down again but I know that if I keep with my promises there will be a turn around again and I can be happy without any kind of sexual pleasure. When the day comes when I will have sex again I will hopefully enjoy it and create new memories but I can wait until that day. I don't need that kind of stimulation to be happy. I've proved that to myself now.

Better and better

It's been 20 days. I've been at home for 5 of those and life is finally making some sense. I am not as down as I've been before. I've started talking to other men and open myself to feel for them. I still think about my ex from time to time. I still wonder if sex will ever be as good as it was with him but I've decided that even if it isn't it will be with someone that loves me which will make it intimate and good because of that.
I miss having orgasms but I can keep going, I know I have it in me and it's not worth pleasuring myself and feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not ready for it and maybe I'll never be but I'm saving myself for a while now. I think it's the best thing to do.

Good day

Today I've actually felt good. Not in the way that I feel that I will be better all the time but things went my way today and even the things that didn't was dealt with a lot more ease than before. Maybe I'm reaching the point where I am feeling the results. Even got a date lined up.
Not masturbating is difficult though. Even when I go to the bathroom I feel a bit stimulation. The tiniest touch makes me want more. If the date goes well maybe I'll be ready for some stimulation after a while. But I'm not getting my hopes up because I'm not sure if I'm ready to open up emotionally again. It's been a hard couple of months or a bit less but it will probably just get easier. Seems that way at least.

It's only getting harder

Getting rid of a habit should get easier every day. Or so you would think at least. I know now, after 14 days, it is not easier yet. It might be in a few weeks or months or years but at the moment I don't feel better at all.
I've removed one of my ways of relaxing, releasing dopamine. I've chosen to not have sex with anyone and probably won't until I am sure that person cares about me 100% because I've lost trust in men (no offence).
So what's going on with in my head? Let me tell you, if I knew I would feel much better but at the moment my head is a mess. No thoughts make sense to me and all I want is to have those few moments of orgasm to feel better.
But I can't. The whole reason for me starting this was so I could learn to feel good without creating some pretend feeling.
I would have given up days ago but I already feel like a failure. That's the only thing that keeps me on track, I can't seem to stay away from sweets even though I've promised to, I can't get the things done that I should to and I don't feel better but at least I can keep my fingers away. I'm basically using the lack of failing with this as a way to feel better but at the moment it's not helping.
I still have a long way to go. It's been over a month since I had an orgasm. I know my day count is 14 days but I started much earlier than that I just didn't do it on purpose. I know some women go their whole lives not having orgasms (with their partner at least) and I've only gone a month and a bit more but I'm starting to crave that kick again but that's dangerous because it means me risking doing something I will regret later.
But anyway, enough ranting. To sum up, it's hard. Very hard right now and I need all the support I can get.

When life gives you lemons...

...make lemonade.
Well there is only so much lemonade a person can drink and I don't think it's a good thing to share it.
So this might seem confusing so let me explain, I feel that my life is bad. I have no reason for living, issues that I can't seem to solve and worst of all, the only person that has ever made me feel happy hasn't spoken to me for over a month and probably will never speak to me again.
I started NoFap to learn how to unwind and get my negative thoughts out of my head by actually dealing with it instead of masturbating. So far it hasn't taught me anything. Yes, I sometimes feel stronger when I resist and I have started to exercise more which is a good thing but I still go to bed, wonder what went wrong, why can't I be happy and wishing he will show up outside my door.
The first week I had no libido at all. It even got to the point when I had to go and see a doctor because I was in pain (TMI sorry). The lack of libido made it easy, I didn't want to masturbate and I didn't miss my ex that much.
Now my libido is back and I'm struggling. It would be easy just to do it once, no one would know except for me. Maybe that's what stopping me, I don't want to disappoint myself. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The problem is, I haven't decided on a goal because I didn't think I would want to masturbate again but I do. The only problem is that I only want to do it when I think of my ex and that should definitely not be my source of attraction anymore.
Well life is giving me lemons at the moment, a lot of them and I still have a long way to go until I will think NoFap has helped me but at least I know that I want to keep going. Too much lemonade is not healthy for anyone but I'm not going to blame my problems on anyone else.